Crawling Chaos 2019

The Event

            Date: 20Aug2019 (Tuesday); 18.30

            Place: Finn Road Park – 2300 N. Finn Rd., Essexville, MI

            Course: 9k with 2 mandatory hindrance stations

            Participants: teams of 2 people

            Background: To celebrate one of the most influential horror writers, the wobbly goat race krewe throws together this run to honour the birth of Howard Phillips Lovecraft (1890).  What better way to treasure a macabre writer from New England than to make the participants sorry they signed up for a dumb activity; if vomiting should occur, then this event will be a grand success.

            The distance is to allow those people who haven’t run anything longer than a 5k a chance to stretch their legs and abilities a little.  The hindrance stations are set up so that the 9k becomes more like 3-3ks.  Since aid stations are for the more serious races, something wgrk will never aspire to organize, the hindrance stations are there to expose the S&M nature under any form of running.  And who the hell has a running event on a Tuesday night?!

            To start, the participants will gather up for any final instructions, then do a celebratory toast to the father of modern horror.  After people finish their beverage, off they go on their first 3k leg.  At the first hindrance station, each team will down 2 burritos (or another food item that is equally or more offensive) and 2 drinks (one beer and at least one shot) and off they go to the next hindrance station.  At the second station, each team will be greeted with dessert to complement their meal: 2 pieces of cheesecake (or another food item that is equally or more offesnive) and 2 drinks.  How these items go down at each hindrance station is of no concern to me: one person eats both pieces while the other drinks both items may not be the best course, but certainly legal (see rules below).  The food gets divvied up between the two participants but the drinks get swapped between the two stations may be the easiest course, but certainly not required.  However each team decides to get the 4 items into their bellies at each hindrance station is left to their discretion.

            Because this is in the dog days of summer, the teams are there to make sure everyone can get back to the finish line in one piece, even if a bit bedraggled.  I may be a bit sadistic, but I am not mean and want people to have a little bit of demented fun while getting their supper for the night.  Besides, I am a big believer in teamwork and this sort of misery would love company.

            The course is a mix.  Roughly 7k is gravel double track, just under 2k is dirt single track, and the remainder is a paved road (very little of this). Click here to view a COURSE MAP.


            Each team is only as good as the slowest runner.  If you want to leave your partner behind because you are wicked fast, you have that option, though it makes you kinuva poopyface; you’ll need to wait until your partner reaches the hindrance station before you both can begin.  The same is true when crossing the finish line.

            For the person drinking the beer, you will have one minute to get it all down.  Every 30 seconds past this point will result in the person doing the shot to have another.  The person doing the shot(s) cannot help the beer drinker once they have started.  To take an example, one person takes 1:36 to finish the beer, the team mate must do 3 shots (one in the beginning, one at 1:00, and one at 1:30).

            If either person hurls before finishing the running event, that team will win.  I am not sure what I will give to you to celebrate your victory, but I’ll figure something out.

            There is an obstacle just before the first hindrance station.  If you choose not to hurdle the concrete pipe, you will lose copious amounts of points that effectively add up to nothing.

            The course will be marked with flour to help guide each team.  If you decide to ignore the arrows, then everyone will make fun of you for not following simple instructions.

            A good team name is encouraged and will give you bonus points that, again, mean nothing.  If you choose to dress up for this event or have matching shirts, more meaningless points will be awarded. 

            Each team must finish before 28:00 or be marked as DNF or DQ.  I expect everyone to fall into this category or my one feeling will be hurt.

            For those who are teetotalers, minors, or recovering alcoholics, beer can be replaced with soda.  Let me know when you RSVP so I can be sure you get the proper beverage.  I will likely tap one of the local brewhouses for the non-alcoholic option (Tri-City for example has a root beer).

How to Join in on the Fun (aka donating to the war effort)

            Since this is a very UNofficial event, there will be no “registration,” but rather just an RSVP to let us plan for how many are attending.  Please do not sign up if you don’t plan on being there.  RSVP through the button below to secure your spot.  Because this is meant to be a “fun” event, the price of admission is not obligatory.  Likewise, this means you participate at your own risk, which I hope to keep very low.  If, however, you choose to throw a little love to the krewe, consider doing all three and we will be very thankful:

            For a unique wall-mounted bottle opener created by local artist gary gavit - $20, all of which goes straight to the artist (actually, $18.50 goes to gary; the other $1.50 is because richard is too lazy to make change for a $20)

            Money - 28¢ (Aug, 20 = 8 + 20) for each participant

            Barter - for each team either a 6-pack of Founders’ Dirty Bastard (if you love Jennifer) or a 6-pack of Atwater’s Decadent Dark Chocolate Ale (if you love Richard)...or if you really, super, truly love Richard, Gonzo's BiggDogg Brewing Vanilla Porter.

            You can bring the money and barter on race day or make arrangements to meet up with Jennifer Ayers or me (richard hodge) at some time prior.  Sign-ups will cease midnight 12August.

            What you will get in return:

            No finisher’s medal

            No t-shirt

            No official time, though I may do a stop watch for an informal time, if people really care.  Seems almost every runner I come across is constantly fiddling with their watch, so this may be no big deal.

            Water at the end (none during the race unless you are threatened with dehydration or heat stress); watermelon, oranges, stuff like that to get some healthy fluids back into you.

            A hand-crafted wall-mounted bottle opener created by local artist Gary Gavit of Gary's Creations (for $20).

            Stickers to proudly display on your vehicle, bike helmet, kegerator, kangaroo that you did this event and did it poorly.

            Perhaps a bad memory or two.  Or maybe a good laugh on a Tuesday evening after work.


            Have you lost use of your legs?  Want to take part in such an epically stupid idea but cowardice and good sense prevent you from doing so?  Have a little bit of a mean streak in you?  I can certainly use some people to man the hindrance stations, take photos, wander the course to make sure people are ok, etc.  If this is your thing, contact me through the "volunteer" button below and let me know this is your desire.  I’ll come up with something as a thank you, like perhaps a delightful collector’s item shirt, or a dinner at a groovy brewpub. 

** RSVPs will no longer be accepted after August 12, 2019 **

click here to join in on the "fun"

click here to join in on the fun!

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